Tuesday, October 27, 2009

No Lincoln

First, I would like to comment on the title of this blog post but alas, I am too lazy so instead, check out my friend Nathan's blog for further explanation.
Again,I apologize for the severe decrease in posting. Due to my increasingly depressing Vietnam War History seminar(honestly, how many more times can I read about American troops raping mamasans at An Hao or NVA troops gouging the eyes out of American troops!!!??) and the new novel I am writing, I have been running short on spare time. However, that's all in the past(not really) and I look forward to producing a consistent stream of blog posts! Hoorah!(again, see Vietnam reference before. I really want to be in the marines now)
I am currently sitting at my brother's house in Riverdale, about to eat dinner with my family. This is great for two reasons. One is that I get to eat my mom's home cooking and her culinary delights are a combination of the Barefoot Contessa and Paula Dean...delicious!(If you don't know who these beautiful women are, I feel bad for you and you should begin watching the Food Network). The second, and most important reason, is that I get to see the progeny of my brother and sister in law, my two amazingly beautiful nieces Noa and Maayan. See pictures below. Playing with them makes me want to have kids right now. Don't worry, mom! It's not gonna happen quite yet. At best, i'll buy a kitten...probably some type of tabby. Those things are damn cute!
Back to the heart of this post...being home is great. Whether it's taking the subway home from school or flying across the country, walking through your front door and seeing your family is an unparalleled feeling. I love the smell of my house. I love using my mother's computer because it actually runs, unlike my piece of shit dell, which is nearing its death and needs a severe dose of the whatever the computer version of Dr. Kevorkian has, and I love talking to my dad whose hilarity rivals Bernie Mac(z'l) I don't remember my dad being this funny when I was younger. Maybe I didn't notice it....or maybe with this senility has come an unrivaled sense of humor. Either way, the old adage certainly jives with me...home is where the heart is.
On another note, I got a haircut from my barber, Vinny. He's this dope Bucharian guy who loves to talk to me. I usually pretend to engage in conversation with him while mostly attempting to decipher his pseudo-soviet mumbo jumbo. Whatever, he cuts a mean hair. If you see me on the street, you may think I have enlisted in the Hitler Youth. My hair is a lot blonder when cut and combined with my eyes, I am an embodiment of the Aryan race. Yikes.
Another reason coming home is great is I get to go to my favorite shoe store. If you're a true friend of mine, you know I have a shoe fetish. If you're not a true friend, screw you and try harder(to become a good friend, I recommend purchasing a pair of shoes for me). I have shoes that line my room and my closets. Girls come into my room and make fun of me for having more shoes than they do. For this I am proud and not ashamed. It could be worse. I could be into stockings or high heels. That's some kinky shit, man. The feeling I have when I walk into a shoe store is like my birthday and chanukah combined into one euphorically blissful shopping experience.
My favorite part of Cribs, the awful MTV show, where we, the clueless viewer watches the entertainer show off his myriad of cars, clothes, and harem(which we have purchased with the oodles of money we funnel to them for their terribly produced music) is when we see their shoes . These people have shoe closets, my friends. These shoe closets are my version of a suicide bombers version of heaven with 72 virgins. Except, instead of virgins, substitute in a pair or Nike Dunks, preferably in very bright colors.
When i'm older, I want to have one of these closets. I want to wake up in my bed, surrounded by shoes. Hell, if I could have a shoe blanket that would be sweet. Whenever I deposit a check in my meager bank account, I think about what shoes I can purchase next. I know. I have a problem. My mother tells me every time she sees me. So what! First step is admitting it. Second stop is buying more shoes. Also, for those conscientious shoppers who won't purchase nike products because they utilize kids in their sweat shops, blah, blah, blah, I say go bark at someone else. I'm not reducing my carbon footprint, i'm not replacing my light bulbs with those LCDSHDF(or whatever they're called) lightbulbs which save energy or something, and I sure as hell am not stopping my purchasing of nikes. They are my drugs and I need them. I say instead of yelling at people for buying nikes we should be patting those kids who make the shoes on their backs. For example, "good job, little guy, you make a fine shoe. Now, here's your plate of two cookies and a glass of milk...for the whole day." Lets support these youth and infuse them with a sense of self-confidence. The kids are the future!
pining for a new pair,

Only in New York Moment:
I saw a man carrying a fire extinguisher on the street today, spraying it at random. Honestly, what purpose could this serve? But, it seemed like I was the only one paying attention. Does anything make New Yorkers look twice? Apparently not.


  1. Nice one. I, too, like shoes...but my thing is sunglasses. Come check out my desk drawer full sometime. Also, I like when you match your shoes to what you are wearing. If only every guy could be so conscious... Cheers!

  2. After reading this ramblings of verbal diarrhea, I have decided to write my post about the ridiculous creation of the shoe. I know, I know, shoes are so important! How would we walk the streets without cutting our precious feet or stubbing our o' so delicate toes? My answer to you is as follows:
    Shoes are only one of the many modern inventions that have prevented us as a civilization from developing and moving forward in the evolutionary process. Have you ever wondered why we haven't evolved in several hundred years? The answer i simple, we have prevented the possibility of evolving by inventing useless items that would allow us to cope with the natural hurdles that exist. Maybe, after us, the next step would be to develop steel bottom feet or nail covered toes! Who knows?! But because our ancestors were too concerned about their toes and feet, too peoccupied with the present, and too focused on what would be best for them at that very moment, they created shoes. If they would have pushed off covering their feet, our human race may have evolved into a stronger, more powerful, more foot protected race. But no! They had to go out and make shoes.
    Think about it. You may read this post at first and think, "hey, this guy Adam is crazy!" But now think about it. Modern inventions and scienific breakthroughs that make life more convenient now, are actually harmng the evloutionary process. Let nature take its course! Stop wearing shoes...let your feet get all gross and callusy! Man up an deal with the pain, the temporary greusomeness of the callus, blisters, and cuts. Remember that by wearing shoes, brushing your teeth, wearing sunscreen, taking medications, wearing clothes, beng dependent on computers, and all the like are actions that prevent and subdue the evolutionary process.
    Think about it. Human beings ceturies ago were covered with hair! A gross concept today. But now try and rise above your closeminded views of beauty enforced and controlled by the media and realize what that meant. NOBODY WAS EVER COLD!!!! By wearing clothes we have subdued the growth of body hair (so much to apoint that it is now considered attarctive to be hairless) and harmed the human race forcing them to be dependent on the clothing industry. It is at this juncture that I pose a conspiracy theory...
    It is the shoe making industry that has posed the threat to evolution. it all begins with the feet. If it were not for this ridiculous invention, the human race may be far superior than it is today. But that is not all; we would all be safer. What has the shoe done? it has protected our toes and feet but at the same time, preventing the natural evolutionary development of toe protectors! It is the shoe industry that is responsible for the pain we all experience when we stub our toe...the most painful feeling (in my opinion). The shoe industry is punishing the human race and causes us to stub our toes.

    REVOLT! Take back the night! (and the day). Stop wearing shoes and let us all attack the shoe industry and bring them down! Stop flaunting your ridiculous obsession and fetish with shoes Adir! Join the fight and lets all bring the evolutionary process back to its rightful place of creating and developing natural foot and toe protectors!

    Thank you all for reading.

    Dress warm...its cold out there.

  3. Barefoot Contessa is a glutton. She makes all that food for that quiet guy and then they go out to a river or some other odd locale and gorge themselves. Disgusting. Even the name is disgusting. I like the people cooking my food to wear shoes at all times. Paula Dean would be offended, now that's a real woman!