Friday, November 6, 2009

Subways: Love/Hate Relationship.

According to good friend Tani Cohen, I need to stop apologizing for the hiatuses between my blog posts. He says that it gets annoying every time I say i'm sorry. Well, to that, I say sorry to my readers for the break and fuck you to Tani. Don't tell me how to live my life!(I actually have much love for Tani. He's probably the most intense baseball fan I know besides myself and I am happy that he got to celebrate with the Yankees brass the other night.)
However, on to the blog post for this week, I will be discussing the enigma of the subway. I have a love/hate relationship with the subway. At times, I feel like one of the kids in Narnia after they come out of the wardrobe because I can't figure out how the hell I got to where I am so quickly. It's a fascinating thing, the subway. What truly fascinates me the most is the origin of the subway. I want to know more about the pioneers who helped build these tracks. It must have been crazy for these original workers, digging underground for a good majority of the day, unearthing, I imagine, some crazy shit.
That they were able to complete this monstrosity of a project so long ago speaks to their engineering ingenuity. It's really quite amazing when you think about. A friend told me the other day that during rush hour in NYC, there are as many people underground as above ground. Pretty crazy statistic.
Other things I like about the subway:
Mini-convenient stores: it seems that whenever I see them, there's always some delicious treat to be had. Maybe it's just good marketing because it makes me think I need some sustenance to survive the 15 minute train ride home. Nonetheless, I always find myself saying hey, I could use some sour patch kids right now(BTW, my favorite candy, always delicious, always hits the spot)
Reading on the subway: I've recently found out that I can get a boat load of reading done on the train. Normally, I can't do work without there being total silence but on the train, i'm like a toddler being lulled to sleep by the constant rocking of the car's movement. However, I am a 22 year old man being lulled to work by the groans of the homeless man at the end of the car(we'll get to that later) I don't know how, but I can finish packets of reading on the train in 20 minutes that would've taken me over an hour to do in my room. Perhaps I should become one of those box car children from the books of my youth in order to continue these good work habits.
Musical/Dancing acts: This is, by far, my favorite thing on the train. I love the mariachi bands, tumbling acts, and soul singers. While everyone else looks away/pretends to be listening to music, I remove my headphones and stare straight at these subway versions of Stevie Wonder, Santana, and Keri Strug(sans twisted ankle). I don't get why people don't embrace them more. These people have true talent. In fact, if any TV execs read this, it would definitely be a huge hit on TV(obviously bigger than that "lets send celebrities to the wilderness show where Heidi and Spencer can go crazy). Just remember to credit me when Mumbling Joe from the 4 train hits it beg. I knew you when you were wearing multi-holed slippers and a women's mu-mu man.
And now, for things I hate on the subway:
Really, I hate most things about the subway. All of what I said before happens rarely and most of the time, I find myself cursing out the MTA for their ineptitude. First and foremost, whenever I actually need the train to be on time somewhere, there's some absurd construction going on(like, repainting the tracks, or electrocuted homeless man or something(terrible smell btw) It always works out that when I don't need to get somewhere on time, the trains will be running like the train version of the Concord and i'll get there in record time, but, whenever it's business time for me, the train's late, I am forced to run, and I end up sweating so much that I resemble one of those couples from the biggest loser(we're talking serious sweating, folks).
One other thing that I despise about the train is a phenomenon i'm still looking for a name for. On the way to the Bill Simmons book signing last week with Shai and new friend Rami, we were discussing how annoying it is that when you're standing for the train and it pulls up, you're stuck between two cars and not near any door. I usually aimlessly choose a spot on the tracks and end up fairly close to one of the doors. However, in these moments when I end up in this bermuda triangle of trains, where commuters go to die, I can never decide which door is closer. They both look so far away and by the time you end up picking a door, you're the last one on, squished up against the door, as you get anally probed by the chubby, smelly, charedi(for my non-Jewish readers, these are very religious Jews who tend to leech money off the government and never shower---I added the no showering part in although it's usually true) guy behind you. So, really, my point is that it's terrible when you end up between doors and it totally ruins the rest of my trip. I still need a name for this terrible occurrence. Suggestions are welcome.

P.S. I got two new, shiny things week, a pair or shoes(Air Pegasus, purple and white, so pretty, so fresh)(see picture) and a Mac. T'was an excellent week and i'm loving both new items.